Cult of New Media

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The Bieber Files

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction–that our lives had become unmanageable…

Only Miley Cyrus has recently trod Bieber’s path, but she did so with the slightest hints of guile and self-awareness. These things have never burdened our hero. His young mind is swimming with lean and weed, flush with the hubris of youth and totally untroubled by irony.

Actual billboard Justin Bieber is Canadian. Canada has a long, proud history of obediently serving the U.S. entertainment industry in the same way that the Dominican Republic serves Major League Baseball. No one needs to say “plucked from obscurity in Canada.” Canadians are obscure by default.

Canadians know the rules. Their destiny is to be unexceptional while reaping the bounty of their wild untamed land and stuffing it in a pipeline headed due South. Anyone with exceptional beauty or talent doesn’t belong there. The Canadian gene pool requires regular culling like a tree needs to be pruned to grow straight and tall.

Meanwhile, Canadian radio stations mock federally mandated Canadian content requirements by pretending turncoat artists like Neil Young never left, keeping their music in rotation like a hopeful candle in the window. The truth is that, once assimilated, secretly Canadian celebrities seldom return, except to attend fawning awards ceremonies and to buy lavish log homes for their parents to keep them quiet. Only an idiot lines up to buy a return ticket on the underground railroad.

Justin Bieber is that idiot.

Normally, the rebranding of a Canadian entertainer as “made in America” takes three to five years and follows unspoken rules of good form, borrowed from the Amish. Once their probation is completed, Canadianess is expunged from the public record and they are as free to publicly criticize the president, leak nude selfies, and attend rehab as anyone in Congress.

Unlike Ryan Gosling, who began his reinvention in Orlando, Bieber saw all of America as his Disneyland. Once unleashed, his outsized appetites and Rumpelstiltskinish tantrums recognized no borders. Using high-speed exotic cars and chartered jets, he whipsawed from coast to coast, leaving a trail of deflowered ingenues, bruised chauffeurs, empty Robitussin bottles, and infuriated D-list neighbors in his wake. More than 100,000 outraged Americans petitioned the White House to deport him. The same government which kidnapped clerics in foreign countries to stuff them black Expeditions and fly them to secret bases to be tortured claimed to be powerless to do anything about an acne-ridden Canadian skateboarder with only a temporary work visa. America was deflowered and on her knees, just like Selena Gomez.

Coming Soon. Part II: Humbly Ask God to remove our shortcomings…